Cleansed, Toned, and Barely Holding It Together
By Sara Alba, Editor-in-Chief, Brewtiful Living
TORONTO — In a world where your ex is thriving, your group chat is dead, and your brain is an anxious swirl of half-thoughts and unpaid parking tickets, one woman is finally taking control. No, she didn’t join a monastery or delete Instagram. She started... washing her face. Consistently.
“Honestly? I used to be gross,” confesses Brewtiful Living’s own Editor-in-Chief, Sara Alba, sipping her third coffee and tapping thoughtfully at her freshly moisturized cheek. “I would doomscroll through skincare TikToks and just roll my eyes. Serums? Essence? Who has time for that? I was busy watching YouTube girls wipe their perfectly winged eyeliner off with micellar water while I lay there in a shirt that smelled like regret.”
And yet—here we are. Glowy. Mentally stable adjacent. Slightly smug.
“Skincare Routine Turns Former Goblin Woman Into Functioning Human”
There’s something inherently ridiculous about spending $34 on a cream that promises “barrier repair” when you haven’t replied to your therapist in four weeks. But somehow, it works. Not just on your skin—on your entire nervous system.
“I started small,” Sara admits. “It wasn’t some expensive overhaul. It was literally just washing my face with warm water and putting Vaseline on my eyelids. But I felt... weirdly amazing? Like, am I a girl now? Am I soft?”
As it turns out, having a skincare routine isn’t just about preventing breakouts or pretending to be Hailey Bieber. It’s about rituals. Slowness. The tiniest sense of control when life feels like a Target cart with a busted wheel.
“Local Woman Applies Moisturizer, Feels Something”
“The first night I double-cleansed, I felt like I was participating in something. Like I belonged to this secret society of women who smell like rosehip oil and don’t panic when someone FaceTimes them.”
It wasn’t just about appearance—it was a shift in self-perception. People noticed.
“The compliments started trickling in. ‘You look fresh!’ ‘Did you sleep last night?’ It was like I was living in HD. And no one knew my entire skincare budget was $12.99 and a prayer.”
“Mental Health on the Rise as Women Discover Power of Routine, Slight Grease”
Experts (aka the girls in your comment section) say that touching your own face gently every night might be more healing than your last situationship. It’s not that a cleanser replaces therapy—but sometimes, it’s a start.
“I don’t feel ugly anymore,” Sara says, “even on days when my skin’s not perfect. Just putting in the effort—slapping on a bit of balm, doing a jade roller move I learned from a girl named Daniella in a claw clip—it makes me feel like I’m worth showing up for.”
Let’s be clear: Skincare won’t fix your job, your taxes, or your existential dread. But it might make you pause long enough to remember you're a person—not just a tired WiFi signal in leggings.
“Editor Says Vaseline Changed Her Life, Society Skeptical”
“I used to think beauty routines were performative. That they were for influencers with bathroom lighting sponsored by God. But now? I kind of love being that bitch who has a ‘nighttime routine.’ It feels like hope.”
And hope, dear readers, is cheaper than La Mer.
Need proof that beauty doesn’t always mean “perfect”? Yesterday I cried over a set of French tips that looked like they belonged in the clearance bin of a Claire’s circa 2004. I’m still wearing them. Why? Because sometimes beauty is messy, petty, and painfully real.
Read When French Tips Turn Trashy—a nail saga for the emotionally unstable but well-moisturized.
